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Tue 16 Oct, 12:01 pm UTC

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Humour: How to get rid of unwanted fitness

By Elden "The Fat Cyclist" Nelson

Like me, I'm sure you've worked hard through the Winter, Spring, and Summer getting yourself in peak physical condition. Whether you've been working toward excelling at racing, touring, or just want to be able to ride as much as you like, you've been true to your goals. You've dieted right, trained smart, and now you're in great condition.

Which leads up to a very important question: now that it's mid-Autumn, how can you lose this fitness as quickly as possible? After all, you can't claim drastic gains at the beginning of the year if you don't start working on your stunning fitness reversal right this instant.

Obviously, you've got important questions on your mind. Questions like, how can you gain back that weight? How can you lose the definition in your legs? How can you completely reverse the gains you've made in your aerobic capacity? And how can you do all this in the shortest time possible?

I'm here to help. Just follow these three simple techniques.

Technique 1: Coast

The first thing you want to do is tell yourself how important it is not to overtrain and burn yourself out. Your important races for the season are over. so now's maybe a good time to cut back on your ride intensity, duration, and frequency.

Start avoiding hills, too.

As you ride less, you'll find that before too long, your body adapts. It's really quite surprising how quickly it adapts to not going on those hard rides. You'll notice within just a few weeks that you're just as tired from a one-hour cruise as you used to be after a two-hour interval workout.

Isn't it great how efficient your body is?

You'll find that the weather and daylight patterns are more than happy to oblige as you work on this technique. As the days get lighter later and darker sooner, ask yourself this question: "Is it really necessary for me to go riding when it's cold and dark outside?"

The answer, just in case you're not sure, is: "No, it's not a great idea to go riding when it's dark and cold. You'd better go for a ride during lunchtime."

Of course, you know that you won't go riding during lunchtime, because you'll be eating lunch -- for some strange reason your appetite has increased even as your riding time has decreased. But that's neither here nor there.

Technique 2: Keep eating like you're actually training for something

Even though you are riding less, you should by no means start eating less. That would be foolish. Instead, continue to inhale pasta at the same desperate rate as when you were burning 6,000 calories per day. The reasoning goes like this: "Well, when I was eating 2100 calories per day and exercising three hours per day, I was losing about two pounds per week. So if I eat 4000 calories per day and exercise each Saturday for an hour, my weight should about hold steady."

My math is correct. Trust me.

As long as you're still eating all that pasta, you ought to mix it up a little. You know, start adding a little cheese. Just enough for flavor. And maybe a little more, for texture.

Why not? It's not like you don't have months until the next riding season begins. You should live a little.

Oh, and you know what else goes with pasta? Alfredo sauce. That stuff is delicious.

Humans have a hibernating instinct, just like bears. It's a scientific fact. Or at least it seems like it should be a scientific fact, because as days get shorter and cooler, all I want to do -- and I assume you are the same, or I hate you -- is eat and sleep.

It is very important that you do not fight this instinct. Those instincts are put there for a reason. And that reason is: you'll soon be either sleeping through the Winter or walking across a glacial expanse with occasional penguin meat as your sole source of nutrition.

Okay, maybe not. Still, you never know. Better safe than sorry.

Eat up.

Technique 3: Do it for your family

You know what's going to happen if you keep eating and training like that? Friends and family are going to stop wanting to hang out with you altogether. They've been patient, they've been supportive. So, you should tell yourself, it's time you reward them by going out to eat with them from time to time.

And by "from time to time," I of course mean "two meals per day, and perhaps making an occasional run for ice cream or beer."

And by "occasional run," I of course mean "nightly run."

Follow these simple techniques, and I guarantee you will lose that unsightly fitness in a surprisingly short time. Less than a third of the time it took you to gain it, usually (at least, that's how it always goes for me).

Before you know it, you'll be back in your Winter pants -- the ones that are two sizes larger than what you've been wearing during the Summer.

You know, the ones you swore you'd never need again.

Elden Nelson blogs as the Fat Cyclist, where he gives practical, helpful advice like this on a daily basis.

User Comments

There are 25 comments on this post

Showing 1 - 25 of 25 comments

  • This is a great one Fatty! I can't help but freak out at the idea that soon the snow will hit the ground, and think back to the 35 pounds I've managed to drop in the last four months or so. I am ordering a trainer as we speak! Keep up the good work!

  • hee hee haa haa. Finally I now have a "training plan" I can actually follow! thanks Fatty. Only problem is ... Southern Hemisphere means I can't put it into practice just yet.

  • WTH? TRAINER???!!! I just ordered a PIZZA!

  • Love the Eddy and Axel photo! Shows what you can do on your plan in such a short period of time! Why does it take so little time to reverse what you worked so hard for? And with little or no additional investment or equipment! Don't forget to add more cheese for color as well!!!

    The pink jersey was in Austin this past weekend for the Ride for the Roses!!

  • As always Fatty, you've hit another one out of the park. Nothing better than a training plan that's not hard to follow. Now where's the number for the DQ delivery guy.

  • Very funny. Those of us in the northern hemisphere who are "pedestrian athletes" know EXACTLY how to do this, but it's good to see a guide for those less fortunate soles.

    I know a bit is funny when I'm laughing in anticipation of what I'm going to read. That's good stuff. Keep it coming.

  • Oh, this is soooo my kind of fitness plan. It is sure to be a success. I'll start today at lunch. Wish me luck!

  • It's a good thing there's a little invention called copyright. Otherwise I'd stop writing my own blog and simply paste these articles into it.

    I swear, nobody would know the difference... not because I'm this humourous... I'm not.

    It's because everything I read is so true!

    So far it's only been 1 week since my last event, and I have:

    t1) cut my mileage in half

    t2) gained 3 pounds from 5 meals a day

    t3) eaten out with my wife (I had forgotten I had one) 3 times

  • Finally, a confirmation that I'm doing something right! Mmm, pasta. Don't forget to add different kinds of cheese - parmesan, mozzarella etc.

  • You could have a little contest. Kind of a "Reverse B7 Challenge". Biggest weight gain combined with the greatest increase in 3 mile ITT time "wins".

  • Great stuff, Fatty. You gonna try to get back to 201?

  • Eldon, you nailed it. It works, I have not raced for a year now, revised my training plan and gained 30 pounds.

    I now have something to work towards for next season, starting in January that is.

    Till then, train on

  • Oh, Elden, how right you are.

    Except I started right as September came to a close.

    It's been two weeks since my last ride. I can feel the fitness sheeting off me like water off a duck's back.

    Mmmm... duck.... yummy.....

    But, at least I'll have some goals for next year. Goals are good.

  • Yet another brilliant article from FC. This column is fast becoming the best thing on the site.

  • You forgot the "I won't worry about what I'll eat JUST during the Holidays" approach. This alone is certain to result in an 8-38 pound weight gain.

    Do your psyche a favor and swear to never ride a trainer again. Large double-blind studies have demonstrated that your IQ will rise 8% in the first two weeks you stop riding a trainer. Surprisingly, it also found that you will become more appealing to the opposite sex and better company at parties.

  • I've been trying so hard to gain weight. I was up to 142, but then I got sick and I'm back down to 136. It just seems that there isn't enough food in the world to help me gain weight.

    Oh, and i tried that "coast" thing... i was nearly thrown off my fixie.

  • woohoo, banana split wednesday!

  • I have already started, but as I drove the 34 km to work today, the rain slowed, and a little sun peeked out....I was tempted to wish I was on my bike instead.

    Thanks so much for the encouragement. It gives me the wherewithall to remain tough. This time I shall not fail. I WILL stick with this plan until spring thaw.

  • I don't think of it as losing fitness. I think of it as improving my descending. More mass means faster times on the downhills. That has to be a good thing.

  • Just a note to say we've fixed the comment pagination bug at last :-)

  • For the reverse B7 challenge, TT should stand for television time, not time trials. With the new fall shows, I'm up to at least 3 hours per day. Time to go make some chicken ziti alfredo before Bionic Woman comes on.

  • Not only is it a fact that people have an instinct to hibernate, but it is also a fact that bikes also hibernate during the winter. And believe me; you do NOT want to disturb a sleeping bike (I have the scars to prove it). So for your own safety, just let it slumber peacefully in the garage until the spring thaw.

  • I re-read this masterpiece as I was enjoying a pretzel-dog with cheese. The plan is working!!! This time I noticed the picture of Eddie Merckx. Is that really him, or is it a superb photoshop job?

  • This is similar to my yearly routine only to simplify things i miss out the 'getting fit' part that comes around in the summer time. works a treat as i don't undo all my good work from the autumn. i just add to it.

  • I usually make a point of dropping B6 supplements and hanging around primary school gates at closing time, breathing deeply. This lack of immunity to viral infection and the sudden bombardment of viral infections usually results in a good bout of post season fitness loss due to viral infection and subsequent post-viral syndrome. The accompanying lethargy takes you right into the following months where a slow recouperation can lead to early new-season gains that will simply astound you.

    Also, it is a fallacy that your muscle will turn to flab. This just wont happen. So eat the same amount all the time, regardless of your training regime.

    As my doctor always tells me when I am asking about 'super foods' -

    "Yes", he says, "Fish and chips, and pizzas".

    So basically anything you can lay your hands on are super enough. Doctors orders!

  • 1

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