No disrespect to Claudia

No disrespect to Claudia, or any of the other supermodels for that matter...the only supermodel I dream about is of the 2 wheeled variety...

No disrespect to Claudia, or any of the other supermodels for that matter...the only supermodel I dream about is of the 2 wheeled variety...

I daydream about perfect virgin singletrack plunging through dark forests, about taking my bike on weekend breaks in Whistler, and on dates on my own perfect trails.  I daydream about showering my supermodel with shiny excessive gifts and expensive cleaning products.  I daydream about perfect float, travel, efficiency and speed.  I daydream about ergonomics, the perfect fit of machine and man, and about the most precious metals: Aluminium, Reynolds Steel, and Titanium.

Whenever I go walking in the countryside (by mistake, obviously!) I can’t help but imagine the lines I’d take on my bike.  Every time I drive along a road and see a bridleway going off to the left or right I wish I could stop, get my imaginary bike out of the car and go explore…

I daydream about being rich enough to own a forest where I can sculpt perfect trails with my mates to our specific requirements.  I daydream about having a caddie carrying a golf bag full of bikes to use on different sections of the trail as needed…

I’ve become like a character in Flann O’Brien’s amazing surrealist masterpiece, ‘The Third Policeman’  – a character who is so attached to his bicycle that their atoms merge and they become half man, half bicycle.  But do you want to know the really mad thing, I’m probably the only person that’s read that book and properly identified with it, longed for it even!

I need a place to go to feed this addiction.  It used to be supermarkets in my lunch hour, where I’d be found ripping open the plastic wrapped mountain bike magazines, and even, dare I say it, glancing at the roadie bike magazines as well, such is my addiction!  There I’d be, drooling over the images of bike porn… That was, until a passerby overheard me muttering about how much I wanted a Stiffee and a Handjob!

Utterly ashamed, for the sake of others as well as my own sanity, I realized that perhaps this addiction is best viewed in the privacy of my own home.  A solution arrives through my letterbox once a month in a plain brown envelope - the latest issue of What Mountain Bike magazine.  But, alas, no matter how good the stories are, and no matter how glossy are the images, I soon found that this was only a temporary relief for my addiction…I needed more, and Hallelujah have I found it!

It’s somewhere where I can satisfy my bike porn fix any time of the day or night, 365 days a year.  I can also chat to other addicts as well and we can share our stories.  It’s called www.bikeradar.com and it just might be my saviour!

Oh, before you think I’m completely bonkers, the other reason I don’t need to daydream about supermodels is because I was lucky enough to get married to the most beautiful woman in the world…the only daydream I have on that score, is that I wish she shared my liking for bicycles!  Although, bless her, she’s finally understanding that the needs of my addiction are as important as the needs of her twin addictions.  As a result, we are achieving that balance that we all crave with our non cycling partners: 

'My expenditure on bicycles and bicycle paraphernalia should be as equal to your expenditure on shoes and handbags!’ 

So Claudia, you can forget your charms, as I’m lucky enough to have a supermodel in my home and a supermodel in my garage…as well as access to the best magazine and website in the world!

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