Right or wrong

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Rick Chasey
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Rick Chasey » Fri Oct 05, 2012 10:03 am

bobtbuilder wrote:
To me, it smacks of double standards that he has 5 week nights & 1 weekend day to go wherever he wants, see whoever he wants, but he "allows" her 1 day in return. It p*sses him off that she has someone else now and he doesn't.


Everyone's a hypocrite, especially in areas where they're emotionally involved, unfortunately.

But you're right.

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Re: Right or wrong

Postby jedster » Fri Oct 05, 2012 10:51 am

bob,

"Just to clear up the kids issue: the boys are 3 & 5 in age. My girlfriend wants them to get used to the big change in their life of their Dad moving out first before introducing the idea of a new partner. She plans on introducing me to them in December. She cares for the boys above ALL else and genuinely believes that this is best for them. I don't have any kids of my own, so I can't comment much on what is best for them, so I defer to her judgement."

I think she's probably right about that TBH. But in that case, I wouldn't want to be there when the kids woke up in the night feeling sick and needing their Mummy. Back to baby sitters I reckon.

And yes he is being a hypocrit as we all might in his situation. Not right just not surprising.

bobtbuilder
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:00 am

jedster wrote:
I think she's probably right about that TBH. But in that case, I wouldn't want to be there when the kids woke up in the night feeling sick and needing their Mummy. Back to baby sitters I reckon.

And yes he is being a hypocrit as we all might in his situation. Not right just not surprising.


I tend to go round approx 8:30 when the eldest (5yr old) has gone to sleep. We watch a film or some TV and I leave around 11pm

We use babysitters when we go out, but money is tight for both of us right now and she says me visiting in the evenings makes a world of difference to her.

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UndercoverElephant
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby UndercoverElephant » Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:04 am

bobtbuilder wrote:We use babysitters when we go out, but money is tight for both of us right now and she says me visiting in the evenings makes a world of difference to her.


You know, I bet it does. She's stuck in by herself in a country without any support from her family, and is expected to just get on with it? I can understand that the ex is going to be a bit on the miffed side with the whole situation, but as far as I'm concerned, you're doing no wrong.

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Peat
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Peat » Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:07 am

I know there's the addage 'You can't help who you fall in love with', but that situation has car-crash written all over it. I wouldn't want to be involved.

Not wishing to be presumptuous, but are you perhaps a reason for the separation? i.e, is she leaving him for you? If so, as the husband, i would be making life as difficult as possible for you too. And i can understand if he gets a bit wound up to find you in his house with his kids.

Just sayin.

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EKE_38BPM
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby EKE_38BPM » Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:16 am

I think meeting the (soon to be ex) husband and talking to him is probably the best option. Tell him you're not in it just for a bunk up. You want to do the right thing by the kids. You don't want to wind him up, but as you're trying to build a relationship with her (and eventually the kids) spending time together is the only way.

Basically, lie.
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby popularname » Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:35 am

UndercoverElephant wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:We use babysitters when we go out, but money is tight for both of us right now and she says me visiting in the evenings makes a world of difference to her.


You know, I bet it does. She's stuck in by herself in a country without any support from her family, and is expected to just get on with it? I can understand that the ex is going to be a bit on the miffed side with the whole situation, but as far as I'm concerned, you're doing no wrong.


UE's dead right here, IMHO.

My kids are a lot older and live with me half the time. My 16yo has his own GF, but they both still (three years after their mum walked out) aren't keen on the idea of me having a girlfriend. So I'd say that you're right to take it gently in terms of when and how you meet them, Rob, and to listen to what she believes is the best thing for her kids.

Jeez. No wonder she likes being with you - you listen to her, respect what she thinks and you're there for her. Good man.
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DonDaddyD
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby DonDaddyD » Fri Oct 05, 2012 11:57 am

bobtbuilder wrote:Hey folks,

Just wanted a smattering of opinions on a problem I have and what you guys & girls think is right and wrong:

My girlfriend (for want of a better word) is currently separated from her husband and the divorce is in progress. He knows that she is with me now and doesn't like it (understandable). To make life difficult for us, he only spends time with his two young kids for 24 hours each weekend (despite living 5 mins away). Most people who know him believe that this is specifically to stop her spending time with me the rest of the week and make it hard for her / us because she will have to stay home the rest of the week because of the kids.

To counter this, she has been asking me to come over in the evenings after the 2 boys have gone to sleep (she wants to wait another couple of months before introducing me to the boys, so that they have time to adjust to the current change without adding another person to the equation). This has worked fine for the last 2 months - until last night.

Last night, the husband was dropping a friend home in a neighbouring street and upon passing the family home, noticed my car in the vicinity. As a result he let himself in & all hell broke loose. I left as quickly as possible at my girlfriend's request as she didn't want the situation to get worse and wake the boys, etc.

Both her and her husband still own the house, and agreed that she would live there until next September to avoid an early-termination clause in the mortgage and to give the boys the stability of the family home while the divorce goes through.

So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob

Ms DDD arena - Child custody, fighting social services and she did some divorce work.

I may show her this and ask her to respond. However, the first thing the husband wants to think about is his visitation rights, if through the divorce proceedings he is demonstrating that he is only willing to see his boys for 24hrs each week, when it comes to making these arrangement legally (i.e. seeing the kids every other weekend) he isn't going to have much of a leg to stand on.

The judge could make it so the wife doesn't have to sell until the boys are 16 - 18 years old. I know of at least one case like that.

Then there is how much he has to contribute financially. Personally I think the husband needs reminding about all of this and how he plans to conduct himself in future.

Oh and there is nothing wrong with you tapping his wife in their marital home in their bed/sofa/kitchen counter. He agreed to move out and she is free to have whoever she wants there. - This is why I would never move out in the first place. (That decision may affect her own custody of the kids, but I'm sure you're a stand up guy with no criminal record or a risk to children or known to social services).
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DonDaddyD
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby DonDaddyD » Fri Oct 05, 2012 12:15 pm

DonDaddyD wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:Hey folks,

Just wanted a smattering of opinions on a problem I have and what you guys & girls think is right and wrong:

My girlfriend (for want of a better word) is currently separated from her husband and the divorce is in progress. He knows that she is with me now and doesn't like it (understandable). To make life difficult for us, he only spends time with his two young kids for 24 hours each weekend (despite living 5 mins away). Most people who know him believe that this is specifically to stop her spending time with me the rest of the week and make it hard for her / us because she will have to stay home the rest of the week because of the kids.

To counter this, she has been asking me to come over in the evenings after the 2 boys have gone to sleep (she wants to wait another couple of months before introducing me to the boys, so that they have time to adjust to the current change without adding another person to the equation). This has worked fine for the last 2 months - until last night.

Last night, the husband was dropping a friend home in a neighbouring street and upon passing the family home, noticed my car in the vicinity. As a result he let himself in & all hell broke loose. I left as quickly as possible at my girlfriend's request as she didn't want the situation to get worse and wake the boys, etc.

Both her and her husband still own the house, and agreed that she would live there until next September to avoid an early-termination clause in the mortgage and to give the boys the stability of the family home while the divorce goes through.

So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob

Ms DDD arena - Child custody, fighting social services and she did some divorce work.

I may show her this and ask her to respond. However, the first thing the husband wants to think about is his visitation rights, if through the divorce proceedings he is demonstrating that he is only willing to see his boys for 24hrs each week, when it comes to making these arrangement legally (i.e. seeing the kids every other weekend) he isn't going to have much of a leg to stand on.

The judge could make it so the wife doesn't have to sell until the boys are 16 - 18 years old. I know of at least one case like that.

Then there is how much he has to contribute financially. Personally I think the husband needs reminding about all of this and how he plans to conduct himself in future.

Oh and there is nothing wrong with you tapping his wife in their marital home in their bed/sofa/kitchen counter. He agreed to move out and she is free to have whoever she wants there. - This is why I would never move out in the first place. (That decision may affect her own custody of the kids, but I'm sure you're a stand up guy with no criminal record or a risk to children or known to social services).

Ms DDD's (Family lawyer of 10 years+) advice.

She said:

Professionally: It is her house so she can do what she wants. (He may jointly own it, but she is living in it).
Morally: She wouldn't have you there/stay over.
Food Chain number = 4



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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 14:03 pm

@ALL: Thanks again everyone for the advice, opinions and best wishes. It's completely turned my day around.

She's just gone to mediation so I'm worrying about how that's going, but she's really focused today so I am confident she will handle herself admirably.

@DDD - Thanks for asking your Mrs' advice. FYI I've never stayed over at the house and don't intend to.

@Popularname - Thanks for your posts especially. You've been very kind. Until we are a proper family, I intend to respect her guidance and decisions on all things related to her boys.

@ EKE_38BPM - Kind of tried this once. When he found out he came to my house with the intention of giving me a kicking. I stopped this from happening, but there definitely wasn't a chance to talk things over. If it hadn't been at his house, and him more angry at her last night, I'm sure he would have tried again. I'm not sure how to get to a point where a conversation would be possible.

@Peat - Yes and no. She was building up the courage to leave him when we met (we work together). We talked a lot about divorce and the consequences (I'm from a "broken" home), we fell in love and this has definitely speeded up the process. Our relationship was non-physical until after they'd separated, although of course he doesn't believe this.

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Re: Right or wrong

Postby spen666 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 14:45 pm

bobtbuilder wrote:....
So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob



That's not your decision.

Its one for your girlfriend
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 14:52 pm

spen666 wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:....
So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob



That's not your decision.

Its one for your girlfriend


Hi Spen, totally understand this. She & I are happy with, but people tend to be happy when they are getting what they want.

I guess I should have said, I was looking for impartial opinion on whether we are being out of order or not.

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Re: Right or wrong

Postby spen666 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 14:56 pm

bobtbuilder wrote:
spen666 wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:....
So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob



That's not your decision.

Its one for your girlfriend


Hi Spen, totally understand this. She & I are happy with, but people tend to be happy when they are getting what they want.

I guess I should have said, I was looking for impartial opinion on whether we are being out of order or not.


The children need to be put first!

I'm in a similar situation except from day 1 my partner told her son of the situation and of my existence and let him decide if he would be happy for me to visit
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bobtbuilder
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 14:58 pm

spen666 wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:
spen666 wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:....
I'm in a similar situation except from day 1 my partner told her son of the situation and of my existence and let him decide if he would be happy for me to visit


How old was he, Spen? My GF's have only just turned 3 & 5.

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Re: Right or wrong

Postby notsoblue » Fri Oct 05, 2012 15:00 pm

spen666 wrote:The children need to be put first!

+1

Kids shouldn't really have to put up with adult problems...

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Re: Right or wrong

Postby spen666 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 15:14 pm

bobtbuilder wrote:
spen666 wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:
spen666 wrote:
bobtbuilder wrote:....
I'm in a similar situation except from day 1 my partner told her son of the situation and of my existence and let him decide if he would be happy for me to visit


How old was he, Spen? My GF's have only just turned 3 & 5.


He was 11 then!
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bobtbuilder
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Sat Oct 06, 2012 18:32 pm

Hey All,

Just wanted to update you following the mediation session:

The husband suggested that he would stay at the hours for "a couple of hours" one night of the week so my GF could visit me. She told him to poke that idea and eventually it has been agreed that I may visit the house after 8PM in the evenings as long as I don;t stay overnight or go upstairs (nieither of which I have done before anyway, but he doesn't believe this). He is no longer allowed to visit the house AFTER 8pm.

The only concession my GF had to make in return is that I won't be introduced to the boys until it can be discussed at the next mediation session in mid-January.

Thanks again to everyone for their opinions, advice & support. :)

Chadders81
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Chadders81 » Sat Oct 06, 2012 21:38 pm

I've got an important question...

What bike has this bloke got? Console him with the fact that at least you're not riding that as well (unless you are - in which case, chapeau).

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JamesB5446
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby JamesB5446 » Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:03 am

Just tell him not to worry and that you will be his kids new daddy from now on. That should calm him down a bit.

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First Aspect
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby First Aspect » Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:23 am

If I read this right, your gf had an affair... with you.

The husband has fallen on his sword and moved out so that the disruption for his kids is minimized. He's willing to effectively put his life on hold for a year or so, in order that no one gets hit with what could be £5k-£10k mortgage penalty.

He also doesn't particularly want an unknown bloke spending time in his house, with his wife, in his bed, with his children in the next room.

He has now come to a compromise to allow the two of you to spend time together.

If I were him I'd want to put your head on a spike, but he's been rather reasonable and you rather critical of him. What am I missing?


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