Missus has a got a new bloke

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dbg
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Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby dbg » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:13 am

Well, after 23 yrs of marriage she declares she still loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants a separation. I then find out through facebook she's been seeing an old school friend and she admits she's in love with him but they haven't actually 'done it!'. We have to continue living together for financial reasons (complicated, but we have 15 and 12yr daughters and she works from home as a child minder. She cannot afford for me to move out anytime soon unless I poured so much money back into the house I'd have to live in a dingy bedsit.
He is also in a relationship which is breaking up and they are looking to sell their home.
Given the choice the girls would rather live with me and I would rather not move out, unfortunately I still love my wife too, so all rather a mess! When does it get easier!!!

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Gazzaputt
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby Gazzaputt » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:24 am

It does get better.

All I can say it make sure the kids don't suffer as difficult as it is.

If the girls are happy to be with you then she should do the decent thing and move out. I made the mistake of moving out after my missus did the dirty. Sit tight and ride the storm it'll pass.

Good luck

estampida
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby estampida » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:35 am

dont stay together for the sake of the kids it will ruin 4 lives

seen that with my missus family ( I came from single parent family so have seen the other side with only 1 parent)

years and years of walking on egg shells in their house

her brother got everything he wanted apart from adults being adult and just accepting what has happened and moving on (she moved out and got a council flat, stayed at her sisters until1 was available)
and was an alcoholic by 19................ (they split in a very explosive way when he was 17 or so)

the mother wants to be my missus best friend (rather than the mother of the family.....)

its gonna be hard but you are adults and the kids come first, they are still to live their lives, and you set the course

good luck

dbg
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby dbg » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:43 am

Yeah
My mates advise the same, sit tight, possession nine parts of law etc. It just makes me so sad how she can put the kids through all the emotional turmoil and be so selfish. She just says I never showed enough affection (blokes take note!!) and can't help falling in love. I keep blaming myself but ultimately what's done is done and you can't turn the clock back. But when will I fall out of love with her!? because it would make things a lot easier if I could. :( At the moment we're at the hardly speaking phase and we're going to Ireland on Saturday as a family - how crap is that going to be!!

dbg
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby dbg » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:44 am

Forgot to say Ireland is a 5 day holiday

Slowbike
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby Slowbike » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:57 am

dbg wrote:Well, after 23 yrs of marriage she declares she still loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants a separation. I then find out through facebook she's been seeing an old school friend and she admits she's in love with him

Yer - but what bike does he ride? Any good to use as a training partner?!

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daviesee
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby daviesee » Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:17 am

It is going to be hard. Very, very hard.

However. as advised above, do not pretend to be a "normal" family for the children. It doesn't work. They know.

My sister & brother-in-law have been doing this for 5 years (even though he has moved out) and are basically sticking their heads in the sand hoping it will all go away. It won't. The children are all basket cases, hanging on to the dream that they will reunite. They are actually thinking of living together, but not getting back together, again for financial reasons and that will confuse the children even more.

It won't be easy. It won't be nice. But you have to deal with the situation ASAP and move on. Easier said than done, I know.
This is assuming that your wife is serious. Try calling her bluff, she may change her mind. Whatever you say in calling her bluff is going to have to said at some point anyway.

I hope this can be amicably resolved and future happiness for you and your children.
None of the above should be taken seriously, and certainly not personally.

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ShutUpLegs
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby ShutUpLegs » Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:48 am

dbg wrote:It just makes me so sad how she can put the kids through all the emotional turmoil and be so selfish.


Why should your kids go through emotional turmoil? Its your responsibility as an adult to protect them from that.

She is splitting up with you, not your kids.
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daviesee
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby daviesee » Tue Aug 21, 2012 12:01 pm

ShutUpLegs wrote:
dbg wrote:It just makes me so sad how she can put the kids through all the emotional turmoil and be so selfish.


Why should your kids go through emotional turmoil? Its your responsibility as an adult to protect them from that.

She is splitting up with you, not your kids.

Is it not possible that for children, their Mother (or Father) leaving home can be a bit of an emotional turmoil?
None of the above should be taken seriously, and certainly not personally.

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2Phat4Rapha
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby 2Phat4Rapha » Tue Aug 21, 2012 12:25 pm

Sorry 'bout this ol' fella but the one thing you must not lose in the mayhem is your dignity.
Neither your wife nor your children want to see you blubbing. So yes, MTFU in front of them. Collapse on your own if you have to.

I didn’t.
I may be a minority of one but that doesn't prevent me from being right.
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daviesee
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby daviesee » Tue Aug 21, 2012 12:37 pm

PS:- This sounds a wee bit like a plea from her. If she hasn't gone too far down the road then it may be that she doesn't really want to. And even if she does, there is a high chance of regrets later.
None of the above should be taken seriously, and certainly not personally.

dbg
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby dbg » Tue Aug 21, 2012 12:57 pm

I'm pretty sure there will be regrets later - I'm actually quite a nice guy :) Main problem on the horizon will be the house - she ain't gonna want to move out and if she goes down the law route where do I stand? Can I refuse a divorce just to be awkward?

dbg
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby dbg » Tue Aug 21, 2012 13:03 pm

Some one mentioned trying not to get the kids involved - sorry but that's impossible, especially when she confides in them! The eldest ended up as a peacemaker in one row - mind you she does want to be a psychologist when she grows up so its all good practice I guess :(

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2Phat4Rapha
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby 2Phat4Rapha » Tue Aug 21, 2012 13:33 pm

1. You need a solicitor - NOW.

Worst case: sell the house and divvy up, you both move on, the kids WILL live with her (mostly), you pay maintenance.

Likliest case: She stays in the house with the kids until the youngest is old enough. You pay maintenance. You move out and build a new life - paying for that as well.

“Fault” doesn’t figure in these things.

Wanna keep the costs down? Don’t argue. Believe me, don't argue.
I may be a minority of one but that doesn't prevent me from being right.
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jibberjim
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby jibberjim » Tue Aug 21, 2012 13:37 pm

With your daughters wanting to live with you, then you can almost certainly stay in the house with them, she can move out (obviously this would depend on the exact financial arrangements in a divorce however the childrens continuity would be important) The children are old enough that their choice will carry a lot of weight - but yes talk to the CAB and then solicitor. Yes that screws up her job if she child-minds from your property, but that's likely distinct, perhaps agree that she can continue doing that from there while she is living in the dingy bedsit.

Be amicable, friendly, but make the split quick, it will be better for everyone. And go find a partner who can ride a bike - they're a lot less trouble.
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2Phat4Rapha
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby 2Phat4Rapha » Tue Aug 21, 2012 13:39 pm

And go find a partner who can ride a bike - they're a lot less trouble.


Sage advice
I may be a minority of one but that doesn't prevent me from being right.
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seward4or5
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby seward4or5 » Tue Aug 21, 2012 14:19 pm

Maybe this is a cry for attention and your wife actually wants you to fight for your relationship. If so, you both need to talk properly, you need to listen, and she needs to kick this bloke to the curb permanently, and never be in touch again.

Depends whether you feel you can forgive her, probably make some changes yourself, and whether she can back down and apologise to you too. If you want to save the relationship you need to tell her this in no uncertain terms (do this before the holiday...)

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Gazzaputt
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby Gazzaputt » Tue Aug 21, 2012 14:40 pm

One thing is they haven't slept together which points to guilt and knowing it's wrong.

Maybe 5 days away might help you never know.

If not as said keep your composure at all times. It'll be hard but i speak from experience.

My best day was the day i let go. It is hard.

dbg
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby dbg » Tue Aug 21, 2012 15:01 pm

Well, looks like its just me and the kids in Ireland now.
Her normal mobile received a text this morning (she keeps a separate one for texts from him) as it was 7.30 I checked to see if it was important and it was a pic message from him on hols with the message I love you **** written on the beach - so I texted him back with words to the effect 'sort out a place to live with my wife now or its going to get messy' - he's told her - she's gone mad, said she's going to move out and is not going to Ireland - I told her 'good' - looks like I've MTFU'd !!!
Not sure if I've made a mistake but it actually feels quite good, gonna be an interesting night :(

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p9uma
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Re: Missus has a got a new bloke

Postby p9uma » Tue Aug 21, 2012 15:06 pm

Most of the above advice is good. I would like to reiterate one thing and pass on some advice an old not gave me years ago.

1. Do not argue over the money, especially if there is a solicitor involved, it costs a fortune.
2. If your relationship is dead, bury it before it starts to stink.
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