Thinking of building an "Ark"

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Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby bearfraser » Wed Jul 11, 2012 07:46 am

Does B&Q sell gopher wood so as i can start building an Ark. And on the principal of animals entering two by two who or what would you save.??

1- Suzanna Reid
2- Polar Bears or bears in general

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Re: Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby DorsetKnob » Wed Jul 11, 2012 07:55 am

Suzanna Reid & Emily Maitliss. That would be it. Oh and maybe Fiona Bruce if she was at a loose end. No bears.
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Re: Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby Capt Slog » Wed Jul 11, 2012 07:57 am

You can find the wood ok, it's the cubits that are difficult to come by these days.
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Re: Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby Gizmo_ » Wed Jul 11, 2012 09:29 am

Jess Varnish and Vicky Pendleton, obviously. ;)
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Re: Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby nunowoolmez » Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:30 am

Wendy Hurrell & Rachel Riley. Added bonus of being able to know what the weather was going to be like & also making sure we could keep track of how many animals we had. I guess Rick Stein would be handy as fish would be on the menu quite a bit & also Steve Backshall as he knows lots about animals & stuff. I would need a lifetimes supply of tea probably. PG Tips preferably.

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Re: Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby team47b » Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:27 am

You could always get Kendal Black Drop to help with the building, he doesn't seem busy today :D
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Re: Thinking of building an "Ark"

Postby izza » Wed Jul 11, 2012 20:37 pm

The Lord came unto bearfraser aka Noah, who was now living in England and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'

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