Right or wrong

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bobtbuilder
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Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:06 am

Hey folks,

Just wanted a smattering of opinions on a problem I have and what you guys & girls think is right and wrong:

My girlfriend (for want of a better word) is currently separated from her husband and the divorce is in progress. He knows that she is with me now and doesn't like it (understandable). To make life difficult for us, he only spends time with his two young kids for 24 hours each weekend (despite living 5 mins away). Most people who know him believe that this is specifically to stop her spending time with me the rest of the week and make it hard for her / us because she will have to stay home the rest of the week because of the kids.

To counter this, she has been asking me to come over in the evenings after the 2 boys have gone to sleep (she wants to wait another couple of months before introducing me to the boys, so that they have time to adjust to the current change without adding another person to the equation). This has worked fine for the last 2 months - until last night.

Last night, the husband was dropping a friend home in a neighbouring street and upon passing the family home, noticed my car in the vicinity. As a result he let himself in & all hell broke loose. I left as quickly as possible at my girlfriend's request as she didn't want the situation to get worse and wake the boys, etc.

Both her and her husband still own the house, and agreed that she would live there until next September to avoid an early-termination clause in the mortgage and to give the boys the stability of the family home while the divorce goes through.

So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

Honest opinions appreciated.

Rob

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The Rookie
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby The Rookie » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:10 am

Yes, you're all adults, you all know the situation, frankly it's nowt to do with him if he has voluntarily moved out, you are taking care not to upset the children, had any of those factors not been in place I'd have said no.

Next time cycle there and take the bike in - no car to spot! Another advantage of cycling!

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EKE_38BPM
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby EKE_38BPM » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:16 am

Is your girlfriend a (or maybe the) receptionist?
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bobtbuilder
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:19 am

The Beginner wrote:Yes, you're all adults, you all know the situation, frankly it's nowt to do with him if he has voluntarily moved out, you are taking care not to upset the children, had any of those factors not been in place I'd have said no.

Next time cycle there and take the bike in - no car to spot! Another advantage of cycling!


Yep - he moved out voluntarily.

Is your girlfriend a (or maybe the) receptionist?


Sorry - I don't understand this. :?

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mudcow007
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby mudcow007 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:25 am

EKE_38BPM wrote:Is your girlfriend a (or maybe the) receptionist?


ahh Hambones

what ever happened to him?
Keeping it classy since '83

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Kieran_Burns
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Kieran_Burns » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:27 am

bobtbuilder wrote:
The Beginner wrote:Yes, you're all adults, you all know the situation, frankly it's nowt to do with him if he has voluntarily moved out, you are taking care not to upset the children, had any of those factors not been in place I'd have said no.

Next time cycle there and take the bike in - no car to spot! Another advantage of cycling!


Yep - he moved out voluntarily.

Is your girlfriend a (or maybe the) receptionist?


Sorry - I don't understand this. :?



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chilling
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby chilling » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:41 am

Change the locks.

edhornby
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby edhornby » Fri Oct 05, 2012 08:45 am

chilling wrote:Change the locks.

not legally allowed to, he still owns/part owns the house....

ride round on your bike and lock it out of site is the answer
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SecretSam
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby SecretSam » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:01 am

There's nothing to stop you staying there, although it is rubbing his nose in it - but if he moved out, then he can hardly expect his ex to toddle off to a nunnery, etc.

Consult legal advice about changing the locks, if he has moved out then he may have no right to enter the premises uninvited - similar to a landlord?

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CiB
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby CiB » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:24 am

So this bloke has moved out. At whose bequest? OP doesn't say. It's his house - he's paid for it and presumably is still paying for it, where his still-but-soon-not-to-be wife is still living with his kids, and the inference is that the split is still quite recent so it's a bit raw for him still. And he comes past to find a new bloke has got his feet under the table? Can't blame him personally. Having once been in an identical position (I was the one popping round for a cup of tea etc) I came out to find my wing mirror hanging off the car. I like to think I'd do the same if the situations were reversed.

Tough one OP. Yeah you're all adults but this bloke is having it shoved in his face seeing your car there with you in their house with his wife watching their telly on their settee and their kids upstairs. You expect him to shrug his shoulders and let it happen without a fuss? You've done a bit more than trod on his toes mate.

bobtbuilder
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:32 am

CIB - he moved out voluntarily as he has parents and sister all within 5 miles and my girlfriend has no relatives at all in this country (she's American). They also decided together that it was in the best interests of the kids for her to remain in the family home with them until next September (mortgage clause). In fact, he is the one who is most bothered about the mortgage clause.

I parked my car in their road but not outside the house.

He only sees the kids 1 day per weekend, specifically to keep she & I apart. Maybe if he was willing to have the boys some evenings in the week, she would be able to come to my house and not always me go to theirs. Essentially he "allows" her 1 day of freedom per week to see me (which he can't reasonably control) but assumed by keeping her "hostage" at home for 6 days a week that I couldn't see her.

Jonny_Trousers
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Jonny_Trousers » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:34 am

CiB wrote:Tough one OP. Yeah you're all adults but this bloke is having it shoved in his face seeing your car there with you in their house with his wife watching their telly on their settee and their kids upstairs. You expect him to shrug his shoulders and let it happen without a fuss? You've done a bit more than trod on his toes mate.


^This!

No matter who is to blame for the split, it's clearly still raw with the ex and I think a touch of sensitivity may be required for a while. He might be the most level-headed man in the world ordinarily, but given the situation, it's perhaps understandable that his paranoia might be getting the better of him. If there were no kids involved it would be a whole different matter, but as there are, you all need to tread carefully.

Him still having keys to the house seems a touch dodgy, however. Perhaps your girlfriend should add some kind of secondary lock she can use when home without changing those that require keys.

Good luck! If the relationship is a worthwhile one then a touch of patience on your parts will be a small, worthwhile sacrifice.

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TailWindHome
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby TailWindHome » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:36 am

2 kid and a angry ex. I'd walk away. But YMMV.
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spasypaddy
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby spasypaddy » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:37 am

mudcow007 wrote:
EKE_38BPM wrote:Is your girlfriend a (or maybe the) receptionist?


ahh Hambones

what ever happened to him?

he got faster and beat me in a TT :( which his wife and kids were watching...

t4tomo
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby t4tomo » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:37 am

Essentially he "allows" her 1 day of freedom per week to see me (which he can't reasonably control) but assumed by keeping her "hostage" at home for 6 days a week that I couldn't see her.


well there are such things as baby sitters if you want an evening out.
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SimonAH
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby SimonAH » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:39 am

You are in the right.... but his reaction is more than understandable. Not rational but totally understandable.

Until you are introduced to the kids formally as 'the partner' you have no real standing and need to keep your head down. Once that happens then you will have to stand tall and manage the situation with the ex face to face and be calmly forceful.

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Rick Chasey
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Rick Chasey » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:39 am

I'd suggest just trying to be a bit more discreet about it.

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Harry182
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby Harry182 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:44 am

I realise I'm not answering your question but --

Don't sneak around on the kids. Treat them with respect and be honest with them. This isn't the issue but they're going to find out anyway so shouldn't it be on your girlfriend's terms? If your girlfriend wants to introduce you to them slowly then cool it off between you two in the meantime. If it doesn't work between you and the kids then it's not going to work between the two of you.

The question shouldn't be whether or not you can spend time at her house, which I think is fine. (Oops, there, I did answer your question.) It's her house too and her husband shouldn't have a say how she lives in it so long as her actions don't harm the property or the kids. And there's the issue -- He should have a say in how his kids are raised. (This is becoming a can of worms.)

If it were me, I would want my ex-wife be honest with my kids. If she were doing something she felt she had to hide from them then she probably shouldn't be it and definitely shouldn't do it with the kids asleep in the next room. (Too many pronouns. It's not meant to sound dirty.)

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Re: Right or wrong

Postby jedster » Fri Oct 05, 2012 09:52 am

To be honest, he is in the wrong but I don't think sitting on that high ground is a winning strategy.
I tend to agree that sneaking around with the kids upstairs is not good (even if he is driving you to it).
I second the babysitter solution

bobtbuilder
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Re: Right or wrong

Postby bobtbuilder » Fri Oct 05, 2012 10:00 am

Thank you everybody for the honest opinions and suggestions. I really do appreciate them.

Just to clear up the kids issue: the boys are 3 & 5 in age. My girlfriend wants them to get used to the big change in their life of their Dad moving out first before introducing the idea of a new partner. She plans on introducing me to them in December. She cares for the boys above ALL else and genuinely believes that this is best for them. I don't have any kids of my own, so I can't comment much on what is best for them, so I defer to her judgement.

To me, it smacks of double standards that he has 5 week nights & 1 weekend day to go wherever he wants, see whoever he wants, but he "allows" her 1 day in return. It p*sses him off that she has someone else now and he doesn't.
Last edited by bobtbuilder on Fri Oct 05, 2012 10:04 am, edited 1 time in total.


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