10 ways cyclocross is like heavy drinking

Drooling, swearing, spending money and...

Cyclocross is a strange bastard of a sport. In fact, many of you might argue that it isn't a sport at all. But a few of you, probably strange bastards yourselves, continue to find delight in running around a muddy field carrying a perfectly rideable bicycle. Despite the disgust of many a fellow cyclist, you binge on leaping over barriers and purge your money on race entries. Like a drunk dancing and singing on top of the bar, breaking glassware as you go, your behavior offends polite society. Yet you and your giggling friends can't get enough, can you?

When you look closely, cyclocross is eerily similar to heavy drinking. Here are 10 ways the two are alike.

10. You hurt yourself in embarrassing ways in front of strangers.

Yet falling flat on your face doesn't dissuade you in the slightest.

Only a minor hiccup. on the whole i'm quite smooth:

9. You drool on yourself. Occasionally, you throw up.

Like fraternity members yelling "chug, chug," cyclocrossers encourage each other to dig deep into the pain cave. If you aren't uncomfortable, you're not doing it right.

8. You spend irrational amounts of money.

Do you need that last beer before the bar closes? Do you need that pair of tubulars? What does need have to do with any of this?

7. Your habit causes elation, fear, giddiness, nausea and laughter. Sometimes all within the same minute.

Your internal chemistry is a violent mess. And you love the rollercoaster ride. Most of the time.

So, you're doing this for fun, eh?:

Does running up a sandy hill carrying a bike look like fun to you? Yeah, you've got a problem...

6. Your body feels much worse the next day.

You're not quite sure why it hurts in that spot, but boy does it. Where is the Advil?

5. You break out in violent, spontaneous swearing.

Sometimes in cheerful camaraderie, sometimes in incoherent anger.

4. Society dislikes your behavior, but your partners in crime love it.

In fact, there is a direct correlation between the two.

Skinsuits and kegs - looks like cyclocross:

Skinsuits and kegs - looks like cyclocross

3. Despite historical evidence to the contrary, you begin each session believing you are a champion.

Disappointment typically ensues, but does not affect future behavior.

2. Cyclocross often is heavy drinking.

Consider Exhibit A, Exhibit B or Exhibit C.

1.  You swear to yourself, friends and family that you will quit. And then you do it again.

This time it will be different!

Thrills and spills: cyclocross and heavy drinking:

Ben Delaney

US Editor-in-Chief
Ben has been writing about bikes since 2000, covering everything from the Tour de France to Asian manufacturing to kids' bikes. The former editor-in-chief of VeloNews, he began racing in college while getting a journalism degree at the University of New Mexico. Based in the cycling-crazed city of Boulder, Colorado, with his wife and two kids, Ben enjoys riding most every day.
  • Discipline: Road (paved or otherwise), cyclocross and sometimes mountain. His tri-curious phase seems to have passed, thankfully
  • Preferred Terrain: Quiet mountain roads leading to places unknown
  • Current Bikes: Scott Foil Team, Trek Boone 5, Specialized S-Works Tarmac SL4, Marinoni fixed gear, Santa Cruz Roadster TT bike
  • Dream Bike: A BMC Teammachine SLR01 with disc brakes and clearance for 30mm tires (doesn't yet exist)
  • Beer of Choice: Saison Dupont
  • Location: Boulder, CO, USA

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