10 ways cyclocross is like heavy drinking

Drooling, swearing, spending money and...

Cyclocross is a strange bastard of a sport. Among those of you reading, the majority would argue it isn't a sport at all. But a few of you, probably strange bastards yourselves, continue to find delight in running around a muddy field carrying a perfectly rideable bicycle. Despite the disgust of many a fellow cyclist, you binge on leaping over barriers and purge your money on race entries. Like a drunk dancing and singing on top of the bar, breaking glassware as you go, your behavior offends polite society. Yet you and your giggling friends can't get enough, can you?

In fact, cyclocross is all too similar to heavy drinking. Here are 10 ways.

10. You hurt yourself in embarrassing ways in front of strangers.

Yet falling flat on your face doesn't dissuade you in the slightest.

9. You drool on yourself. Occasionally, you throw up.

Like fraternity members yelling "chug, chug," cyclocrossers encourage each other to dig deep into the pain cave. If you aren't uncomfortable, you're not doing it right.

8. You spend more money than is rational.

Do you need that last beer before the bar closes? Do you need that pair of tubulars? What does need have to do with any of this?

7. Your habit causes elation, fear, giddiness, nausea and laughter. Sometimes all within the same minute.

Your internal chemistry is a violent mess. And you love the rollercoaster ride. Most of the time.

Do you have a cyclocross problem?

6. Coffee and Advil are involved.

You're not quite sure why it hurts in that spot, but boy does it.

5. You break out in violent, spontaneous swearing.

Sometimes in cheerful camaraderie, sometimes in incoherent anger.

4. Society dislikes your behavior, but your partners in crime love it.

In fact, there is a direct correlation between the two.

3. Despite historical evidence to the contrary, you begin each session believing you are a champion.

Disappointment typically ensues, but does not affect future behavior.

2. Cyclocross often is heavy drinking.

Consider Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C or Exhibit D.

1.  You swear to yourself, friends and family that you will quit. And then you do it again.

This time it will be different!

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