Humour: Premium products for guaranteed go-faster results

Fat Cyclist announces infallible training aids

You want to be fast, don't you? Of course you do. And you're willing to spend large amounts of money to be faster, aren't you? Of course you are. Otherwise, why would you be riding a bike at all?

Oh sure, there are a few of you out there who say you don't care about being particularly fast; your goal is to have fun, or to see the outdoors, or get from point A to point B.

Pfff. You're not fooling anybody. The only reason you're saying those things is because you don't know how to become faster.

Well, I can help. Through intensive research and market analysis (i.e., I made a list of ideas on a napkin during lunch yesterday), I have developed a premium brand of cycling components and apparel is exactly what you need to become the cyclist you dream of being.

It's all very expensive, which should help you feel confident that it's really, really good.

Here is a sneak preview from my Fall 2008 Catalog.

Aero-X Helmet

The trend among most cycling helmet manufacturers is to design helmets that cut through the air with a minimum of wind resistance. That's all well and good if you're trying to do your training with a minimum of effort, I suppose, but if you prefer to become a stronger, faster racer, perhaps you should consider my Ultra Large and Heavy Wind Dam Helmet.

Roughly the size of an extra-large beach ball, this helmet has been scientifically designed not to cut through the wind, but to block the wind. In fact, while you can order the perfectly spherical version of this helmet, we recommend the FS (Full Sail) version, which has a concave scoop in the front, guaranteed to make you have to fight the wind 40 percent harder during your training rides. We're so confident in the wind-resisting properties, in fact, that if this helmet doesn't make even the gentlest headwind feel like a frontal assault by hurricane force winds, we'll refund your money.

But the training value of this helmet doesn't stop with its wind-resisting benefits. Instead of using lightweight Styrofoam as its impact-absorption material, it uses low-viscosity oil. Just imagine how strong your neck, back, and torso -- three areas usually neglected by cyclists -- will become as you try to keep your head from lolling as you support the forty pounds this helmet weighs.

And then, imagine how light and agile you're suddenly going to feel when you wear a normal helmet on race day. $385.99

HydroRetentive Shorts and Jerseys

While other cycling apparel manufacturers concentrate on lightweight, wicking clothes, We have designed a line of clothing that focuses on capturing and holding on to your perspiration, like a big cotton sponge. Your shorts will actually grow larger as you ride and perspire, imperceptibly resisting your efforts to an increasing degree as you ride.

Your new hydroretentive kit helps solve another heretofore-unknown training issue: cheating via on-bike weight loss. Normally, as you ride and perspire, you lose weight, so that by the end of the ride you may be as much as three pounds lighter than when you began the ride. This means that for a good part of the ride, you haven't been riding with as much weight as you should be, which means your legs aren't getting the workout they should.

By holding on to all the water you perspire during your ride, your new Hydroretentive kit ensures you're getting as much of a workout at the end of the ride as you were at the beginning. Shorts: $320, Jerseys: $195.

Important Note: While these may look, feel, and behave like an ordinary pair of baggy cotton shorts and a cheap t-shirt, we can promise you that they are not.

PowerBrake

No doubt you have, at least once in your life, gone for a ride and -- noticing that you are having to work much, much harder than usual -- inspected your brakes, to find one of them was rubbing.

Well, consider what an extraordinary workout you'd get if your brakes were rubbing all the time!

Yes, it boggles the mind.

PowerBrakes are designed to always be off-center just enough that one edge always touches the rim. Really. It's just that simple. Sometimes genius is both elegant and simple. $389

SpareTire

As any overweight cyclist can tell you how much effort it requires to haul around your own personal spare tire, not to mention the extra energy you have to expend with every turn of the cranks as you push your knee into your gut.

And every cyclist who's ever lost that spare tire can tell you how much faster they have become.

Now you, too, can reap the benefits of both having and losing a spare time, without the hassle of having to eat your weight in Oreos first. Filled with grape jelly, The SpareTire is a large rubber tube that goes around your waist and  fits (somewhat) comfortably under your jersey.

At first, the SpareTire will be uncomfortable and awkward, but you'll soon get used to it, especially if you wear it 24 hours a day. When you remove it, you'll be astounded how much faster you are, and may in fact never want to put it back on.

More Coming Soon! In addition to these new products, we'll soon be releasing an exciting array of components and services, including

* PowerChain: Much like a rusty or grimy chain on a department store bike, this chain robs you of 15% of your energy. You'll be astounded how much harder you have to work to go anywhere at all!

* Training Services: Our coaches will go way beyond the normal services provided by coaches. Specifically, they'll tie a bungee cord to your bike and force you to pull them around on roller skates, under threat of a painful electric shock. Highly motivating!

* HeavyBottles: Instead of the lightweight plastic bottles you're used to riding with, how about these cast iron beauties? Even empty, they weigh nine pounds each. Guaranteed to bring your bike back up to UCI regulation weight!

Elden Nelson blogs most weekdays as the Fat Cyclist, where he has many additional very useful ideas to help you with your training.

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