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Humour: How Astana can get back in the Tour

By Elden 'The Fat Cyclist' Nelson
  • TO: Johan Bruyneel
  • FROM: The Fat Cyclist
  • DATE: 22 February, 2008
  • SUBJECT: Strategies for getting into the Tour de France 

Dear Mr. Bruyneel,

First, my condolences on Team Astana not getting into the Tour de France this year. I am certain that you must be reeling from the shock and disappointment so profound as to nearly equal my own.

And yet, Mr. Bruyneel, I would urge you to not give up hope. Your team can still ride in the Tour de France in 2008, Johan (I hope you don't mind me calling you Johan).

Simply follow these strategies.

1. Change Your Name.

For 2008, Team Astana changed management, racing philosophy, and most of the team. This, evidently, wasn't what was needed. To convince ASO that you're really OK, you need to not be Team Astana.

As evidence of the effectiveness of this technique, allow me to call your attention to Team T-Mobile High Road, which was every bit as messed up as Astana last year, but will be racing in the Tour de France this year.

You know why, don't you? Because this year, they're taking the high road, that's why.

For your team name, I'd like to recommend "Compassionate Body Spinoffs." It sounds kind (that's the "compassionate part"), sporting (the "body" part), and cycling-related ("Spinoffs").

Also, "Compassionate Body Spinoffs" is an anagram for "ASO is staffed by nincompoops," but that can remain our little secret.

And while you're at it, you might want to also change the color of your uniforms. And I'm not saying that just to further the cause of tricking ASO into believing you're a different team.

I'm saying it because Astana blue (aka "light teal") is an awful color.

2. Surrender to the French.

France and ASO really, really, really want a strong French team race in the TdF. This desire is somewhat hampered by the fact that there are no strong French teams.

So, why don't you become French? It's surprisingly easy. Here's how:

  • Watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail Several Times. Everyone knows this is the best way to pick up an authentic French accent.
  • Be Haughty. Despise everything. Smile enigmatically.
  • Eat: French fries, French bread, and French dressing.
  • Act like you really really care about winning on Bastille Day, as if it were the absolutely be-all and end-all of the race, instead of what it invariably is: a flat stage of no consequence.
  • Lose a lot. OK, I admit, that's just mean of me.

3. Tell Levi to Cut it Out.

I've been to www.letleviride.com. It's a one-page website asking people to fill in their email address, which will be used in a petition to ASO, demanding to let Levi -- and the rest of Astana, I think -- ride in the TdF.

Which raises the obvious question: has an anonymous petition (only email addresses, no names, addresses or other qualifiers) signed exclusively by people hostile to your cause, ever worked?

Seriously. Ever?

All Levi's accomplishing is an increased likelihood that ASO will find a new reason to not let him race next year, too. I promise.

4. Get a New Website. 

Johan, there's an outside chance that ASO isn't letting you into the Tour because they've seen the Astana Team website, which is currently nothing more than a page on your own personal "Hey, hire me to speak at your next company offsite" website. Looking at that site , they probably came to the conclusion that  your team is going to arrive at the starting line for the TdF wearing mismatched jerseys and hockey helmets.

And that would be gauche.

5. Get a Disguise. 

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Johan, but it's for your own good: the main problem, so far as the ASO is concerned, is you. Evidently, the ASO has decided you've had enough turns at winning the Tour, and now you're just being greedy.

Of course, the simple solution to this is for you to acquire a good disguise. A good pompadour, a set of wayfarers, and -- above all -- a beard to cover that cleft chin, should do just fine. Observe:

Johan bruyneel (right) is totally anonymous in this recreation of alberto contador's 2007 victory.: johan bruyneel (right) is totally anonymous in this recreation of alberto contador's 2007 victory.

The really great thing about the beard, by the way, is it's nothing more than one of Alberto's fake sideburns, so you can share expenses.

Try these things out, Johan, and then get back to me. If they don't work, I have additional ideas, mostly involving the consumption of snails.

Kind Regards,

The Fat Cyclist

Elden Nelson blogs weekdays as The Fat Cyclist, where he says whatever he feels like saying, about whomever he feels like saying it...in the fervent hope that he never meets any of the people he says these things about.

User Comments

There are 13 comments on this post

Showing 1 - 5 of 13 comments

  • Lest you forget, the French are rather famous for their satire, going back to Rabelais in the 15th century and currently with their very popular satirical news show Les Guignols de l'Info (News Puppets). The term Rabelaisian denotes coarse, satirical humor. So the French know how to poke fun at themselves, their government, their athletes, and everyone and everything else. I travel to France regularly (lead bicycle tours there), lived in Nice, dated a French man for years and was continually and pleasantly entertained by their ability to laugh at themselves!

    I think most of them would find this article quite funny. Excellent piece, Fatty!

    Jennifer

    http://cyclingeurope.wordpress.com

  • Astana, simply wait another year and you will all be back in. Short memories are big business in cycling nowadays. And remember - drugs - they're all at it! Dont feel marginalised - feel LIBERATED!

  • I'm interested to see if Aurelio's real mission here is to have the lasrt word... ;-)

  • For someone whom I and Fatty have clearly upset with our light-hearted stereotyping japery, it would appear you take offence to your adopted nation being stereotyped but your are happy to perpetuate American stereotyping with your comments… and I quote "No, don't tell me, the writer is an American, right? ;-)" and "Just look for some of the comments on American cycling sites to see the real hatred underlying such 'humour'."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Er, exactly what 'American stereotype' is being perpetuated by my comments? I can't see a single reference to rednecks, fundamentalist Christians, gun nuts, extreme obesity or plans for 'Full spectrum dominance' anywhere! ;-)

    Rather, I was merely pointing out the simple fact that many of those upset by the attempts of the ASO, the French authorities and so on to tackle the doping problem often make generalised anti-French comments. This tendency appears to be particularly marked amongst those Americans who have attempted to defend riders such as Armstrong, Landis and so on. I fully accept that many others in the US are supportive of the ASO, don't buy into the Armstrong Myth and accept that Landis was caught fair and square attempting to dope his way to a Tour win. However there are still plenty of people out there who appear to believe the exclusion of Astana is all part of an ongoing 'plot' to get at Armstrong via Bruyneel, or to prevent Leipheimer riding in case he scores another 'American' Tour victory. These are probably the same people who believe that 'the French' 'framed' Landis because they were 'tired' of Americans winning the Tour...

    Anyone who thinks that 'the French' care enough about the Tour to 'conspire' against potential winners who don't happen to be French really doesn’t understand modern France. All in all 'the French' in general don't really care anymore about the Tour or bike racing. The supposed 'French obsession with the Tour' is something which is pretty much history nowadays along with bidets, 2CV's, peasant farmers, the conspicuous consumption of garlic and onions, berets, pissoirs, crazy driving, accordion music and just about everything else that many people still appear to define the French!

  • “I can recommend the book 'Le sport contre les peuples' by French philosopher Robert Redeker. Unfortunately it's only available in French, as is most such works written here in France. This is one reason why so much analysis of French cycling is made from a hopelessly narrow 'Anglo-Saxon' perspective!”

    I would love to read it but have to admit (slightly ashamed) that my French is at best ‘school-boy’ but of course why would any French philosopher lower himself by having his book translated into that hopelessly narrow ‘Anglo-Saxon’ derived language of English? Sorry, was it you or me that was stereotyping there again?

    Your comments on doping within French cycling and in particular the Richard Virenque situation look very well-informed (more so than mine) and thought out and I would love to discuss them further with you… but I am just struggling to get past your anger and distinct lack of a sense of humour to put the effort in!

    Ok, anyway must dash, as a Yorkshireman my two passions are road cycling and Rugby League and I am going to watch Leeds Rhinos kick some French ‘ass’ when we take (hopefully) take Les Catalans to the cleaners tonight at Headingley. I love all my fellow French Rugby League supporters, what with the stripy jumpers and little beret’s and I can’t meet them down the pub for a pre-match pint until I have fed the pigeons and took the whippet out for a walk. I will be putting the ol’ flat cap on though; it is grim up-north!

    Aurelio – Take my advice and go get laid tonight mate… if the wife is not up for it you could always give the mistress a call now you are a true Frenchman! Sorry, I am at it again! ;-)

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