You asked Google, so we answered: Why are cyclists… all of these things?

The public is baffled to the point of rage by so-called ‘cyclists’? Steve Williams is here to clear things up

Type the words ‘why are cyclists…’ into Google and autocomplete suggests the most relevant searches, and quite frankly they’re amazing.

Just take a look at the screenshot above and tell me you’re optimistic for the human race.

In a public-spirited attempt to clear up the confusion surrounding our, erm, complex hobby of pedalling about a bit, I shall now reveal every single answer. You’re welcome.

1. Why are cyclists so arrogant?

Time for a little real talk. When you buy a nice bike you’re abducted by Lycra ninjas and sent to special cycling school where you’re taught to look down on everyone. After intense indoctrination via a projector, eye-clamps and psychotropic drugs (nine espressos, intravenously) you’re released, given a hug and a kiss, and get a secret certificate with a crest on it and everything. It makes us very proud.

2. Why are cyclists so skinny?

Weird, right? You mostly see cyclists eating cake and drinking full-fat lattes, and only occasionally trundling at the head of a massive queue of cars purely to annoy everyone. Common sense says we shouldn’t be skinny.

Obviously, the real answer is the horrific flesh-eating virus that breeds in our smelly Lycra to keep us looking slim, attractive and fit in the most agonising way. It's worth it for rocking that replica Sky kit at the coffee stop, though. #prolook #seriouscyclist #mynerveendingspaddleinalakeoffire

Not everyone hates cyclists. These people seem quite keen. Also, note the bright colours of the Lycra to hide the flesh eating parasite
Not everyone hates cyclists. These people seem quite keen. Also, note the bright colours of the Lycra to hide the flesh eating parasite

3. Why are cyclists hated?

That’s easy: we can add seconds to your journey, force you to change gear, and the thought of going to prison for accidentally killing one you didn’t even notice is very scary. Plus, sometimes we wear white Lycra and you can see our bums.

Also, cyclists jump queues instead of staying stuck in traffic like any reasonable person, and our ceaseless determination to run red lights and die (Lesson #1 in The Elite Secret Cycling School for Arrogance) is matched only by the risk of us exterminating all pedestrian life on Earth (Lesson #2).

4. Why are cyclists so angry?

Have you ever tried to fit a tubeless tyre? Also, you just tried to kill us with your car.

5. Why are cyclists allowed on the road?

Why are you?

6. Why are cyclists’ arms so skinny?

Partly it’s the flesh-eating bugs in our sweaty kit, but mostly it’s because (this is complex) the pedals are under our feet and our arms aren’t really doing anything except going slowly numb.

Some keep the blood flowing by indicating left and right turns, but they’re only joking so you can safely overtake even if they’ve turned around to look at you and are making it clear they’re about to turn across your bows.

7. Why are cyclists fat?

Some weirdos actually wash their Lycra.

8. Why are cyclists so thin?

Now you’re talking. You’re not making any more sense, but you’re talking. See above.

9. Why are cyclists skinny?

Look, this is obviously baffling a lot of people… it’s certainly a tough old conundrum. But I’ve told you: it’s the agonising parasites. Yeah?

10. Why are cyclists’ legs so big?

I… I can’t do this anymore. Just Google it. Or think about it? In the meantime, feel free to share this helpful Q&A with confused civilians so that we may all live one day in peace, harmony and respect alongside this otherworld cavalcade of hooting, mouth-breathing blockheads.

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