Early this week, John Fahey was selected by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) Foundation board to replace Dick Pound as its president. He managed to snag this plum job through the extremely savvy technique of being the only person the board had to choose from.
Frankly, that seems just a little lazy of WADA. Couldn’t they have asked around a bit? Maybe put an ad in the paper or something like that?
No, of course that wouldn’t have worked. I mean, think about it. Ideally, this president needs to do the impossible: eliminate doping while restoring the public’s confidence in the reputation of both professional cycling and WADA itself.
The fact is, the president of WADA needs to be more than just a mere mortal. This job requires a person with — let’s face it — super powers. And I’m afraid that, unless “Former Finance Minister for Australia” is just his mild-mannered alter-ego, John Fahey just doesn’t qualify.
Any of the following people, on the other hand, would have done nicely:
Wonder Woman: Let’s start with the most obvious candidate. Wonder Woman’s magic golden lasso forces whoever she’s lassoing to tell the truth. This would stop doping cold. Instead of endless blood and urine controls, you could just have Wonder Woman randomly lassoing racers at the start line and asking, “Have you ever doped?”
Not only would this be incredibly effective, it would be awesome pre-race entertainment.
Professor X: The leader of the X-Men is a super-genius scientist with an incredibly deep understanding of genetics and mutations. Based on that alone, he’d be an awesome president of WADA.
But that’s not all Professor X brings to the WADA table. Professor X is also an incredibly powerful telepath. Not only can he read minds (a helpful little tool in detecting dopers), he can manipulate them, too. So he could just tool around in his wheelchair, reading minds and broadcasting the “Dopers Suck” message with his big ol’ psionic brain. Thanks to Professor X’s telepathic powers, pro cyclists would finally realize what the rest of us figured out long ago.
Wolverine: I don’t know what EPO smells like, but I’ll bet Wolverine — the short-tempered X-Man with a keen sense of smell and blades that shoot out of his knuckles — does. And I’ll bet that it would only take Wolverine losing his temper one time before no cyclist ever dared cheat again.
Batman: I admit that of all the superheroes, I like Batman as president of WADA best. Batman’s got the scientific chops to build an infallible dope-detecting machine, would, naturally enough, be compact enough to fit on his utility belt. And he could develop and build the machine in about six hours, as long as he’s convinced that somebody’s in danger.
Maybe Robin could be vice president. Kind of a two-for-one deal. I think I’d make Robin’s main job be talking to the press. I just love the idea of every quote from WADA starting with phrases like “Holy B Samples, Batman!”
The Hulk: Don’t make the president of WADA angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
And doping makes him very, very, angry.
You know, I think I’m on to something here. These superheroes are ethical beyond reproach, they’ve got massive experience fighting bad guys, and their powers give them an edge over even the sneakiest supervillains / dopers.
Plus, with the way they dress, the new president of WADA would fit right in with the cycling community.
Elden “Fatty” Nelson blogs most weekdays as The Fat Cyclist, where he frequently exhibits his own super power: eating an entire cheesewheel in a single sitting.